2/12/13

Maybe I’m just losing my mind. You know, I’m not even really sure anymore. I’m reverting to the old me. But then again maybe that’s a good thing. Old me with a few life lessons under her belt? That could be good. Or maybe this is just who I am. I’ve been trying to suppress it. To be something impressive and exciting. That’s just not me. I’m not impressive. I’m average. Just like every one else. I don’t have to know the answer to ever question and it’s ok to be wrong! It’s ok to depend on someone. Let someone else do something for me, I haven’t done that in a long time.. It’s exactly my problem. I’m trying to be so independent and I’m pushing out the people I need. Because I didn’t want to lean on anyone. I don’t like to not be in control. I think it’s time to change that. Because she’s right. I’m selfish and I don’t think of others. I think of how it makes me look, how it makes me seem. Because I can’t stand to look weak in front of anyone. Weakness is not necessarily a bad thing. Venerability can be good, can’t it? Why is it that I can’t let anyone do anything for me? Even the person I love? Is being dependent only on myself, making it on my own, is any of that really worth alienating the one I love? I’ve made her feel unappreciated and unloved to the point that she doesn’t want me anymore. How does one even get there without knowing it? Because I couldn’t let her buy me dinner every once and a while. I couldn’t let her help me with anything. I had to do it all on my own. Look where that has gotten me.. Alone, heartbroken. Without the person I love because I made her feel useless and unimportant. What kind of person does that… Not possibly a good one..
I have so many things to apologize for. I don’t think she even wants to hear it anymore.
It’s all so depressing. I’m just so miserable in all of my new found awareness.
All I want is her telling me I’m not a complete fuck up. That there’s something that I did right.
Just that I made her feel loved, wanted, appreciated, proud even.
But that’s just it. I didn’t. I wasted my last chance and now… now she’s happy with some girl…
I’d kill for her to just know. Just for her to know that I love her dearly. That I’m so sorry.
I don’t deserve yet another chance. It’s true, I don’t.
I just want her to know I love her..
I love her with all of my being.
I’ll marry her, some day. If she’ll let me.

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~ by lizzardspit on February 12, 2013.

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