I can’t sleep.

I’m not sure if it’s because I keep sleeping until 12 every day or if it’s because my mind won’t stop running. But then I’m only sleeping so late because I can’t get to sleep until 5- 6 am. And I can’t get to sleep because my mind is running a marathon. So aren’t they both at fault? Or is it all my fault? Or maybe the universe is just fucking me over again. Who knows.
I’m just so tired, all the time. I’m mentally tired, physically tired, just tired.
I’m not crying tonight, that’s an improvement. But then I’m a bit numb tonight to be honest. I had to be to make it through today. It just hasn’t worn off yet I guess.
You know what I really want to do? I want to go walking. Right now. Just slip on some pants and a jacket and walk until I’m exhausted. Just go somewhere. Anywhere, as long as it’s not here.
I’m excited for Memphis next month. I’ll be pretty close to MCA’s campus so I’ll be able to get a feel for the city. I might even be lucky enough to meet up with some friends. Maybe finally meet Jill! I’d love that. She’s pretty fucking cool.
It’s a love hate thing, wanting to go to MCA. For one, I can’t afford it. I’ll be lucky if I can afford UL. At least I know I’ll get into UL, and I’ll probably do pretty well. Who knows maybe I’ll like it there and finish out my two year degree then move and go back to school. I need to start building my new plans anyway, now that there’s just me I mean. I don’t have obligations to anyone anymore. I can move where ever I want. Maybe I’ll do a semester abroad. Fucking shit that would be amazing. If I had cash saved up I’d just leave. Go backpacking or something after I graduate. Just travel for a bit. Fuck I wish I could.
I think at this point I just want to be out of here. I want to start fresh. Somewhere no one, or very few, people know me. Somewhere I’m not attached to anyone or anything. I belong to no one and am just myself. I could just forget the past and make a new life.
That’s kind of what I’m doing I guess. I’ll be 18 in the summer, I’m working on setting myself up with a job at sephora, I’ll be in school next spring, move out when I can afford it. But I have this sinking feeling that’s not how things are going to go.
Nothing ever runs smoothly like that. Nothing ever ‘follows the plan’ now does it.
I don’t know. I guess I’m here, typing to no one, in the hopes that I’ll find myself. Is that why I’m doing this? Just ranting away more and more. Just typing whatever pops into my mind.
That’s a fun thing to do btw. Just typing, or writing, whatever is running through your head. No stopping to think about how it’s worded or what you’re saying, just writing it. You really realize a lot. It’s nice.
You know what I really think this is though. This is my replacement for that journal. You see I was writing in this beautiful red leather journal for my ex. I wrote a new entry every day, at least once a day, just of what was going on, how I was feeling, gushy lovey shit, ya know. It was going to be her anniversary present when we finally reached a year. I gave myself three month to fill 112 pages in the hopes she would understand me a bit better, because we were so far from each other. Idk I guess I hoped she would just get me. Maybe she’d understand that what was going on wasn’t just effecting her but at the same time it wasn’t changing how I felt about her. Idk. It was a nice idea, and I wrote in it up until the day I found out she was engaged to some … someone else. That hurts ya know. anyway that’s a different topic for a different entry. I was going to send it to her when I sent her her stuff once we broke up. Just so she could see. But I decided against it last minute. Oh well.. Now it sits in the shoe box I have designated for things from exes and past relationships.
So that’s what I think this really is. I think this is me trying to work myself out by writing it all here. Trying to work through my issues and learn to be better. I can’t say if it’s working but I know I feel a bit less burdened once I’ve cried and written what was wrong here. So that is enough to make it all worth while.
My head is starting to spin and the letters are getting illegible, good night.

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~ by lizzardspit on March 6, 2012.

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