i can’t figure out how ifeel right now.

i’ve been happy lately. or i thought i was. i’m happy when she’s with me at least. but now, right this moment, i can’t feel anything. it’s like how i used to be. i feel cold. i can’t figure out what is happening. i don’t know what i’m doing. i’m not tired. i’m not happy. i’m not anything but numb. i don’t know what i need or what i want. all i know is that i want her now. i want to let go again. yesterday when i saw her i just let myself go. i did what i wanted and let my body act on impulse. i was myself. it’s been so long since i’ve let myself do anything without first thinking i thought and analyzing it. i didn’t have to think i just existed. i need that feeling again. i need to do something. i need to get my fucking life on track. but i don’t want to. i want to just go with it and take road trips and act like a damn teenager. why am i not allowed to do that? why must i grow up? why do i need to get out and get a job and work my ass off to look good in 4-H so that i can have it on my college shit. why do i even care about college. why do i have to know what i want to be? what i want to do? where i want to go? why can’t i just be. i want to get up in the morning and go for a run because i can. because i want to. because going fast makes my adrenalin pump in turn giving me a bit of a rush. my body feels good my mind feels good. i want to have that option. fuck all this responsibility. i don’t want it. i want to fuck and smoke and run. i want to forget all of this stress and bullshit. i need to get out. why is that so hard? why is it so impossible to have friends and get the fuck out? why? why can’t i just live? i want an out. i want one now.

that’s all for now.

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~ by lizzardspit on March 25, 2011.

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