so i’m sick today.

i don’t have the energy to type anything back up so i’m just copy pasting what i put on tumblr.


i woke up this morning and puked. it’s lovely.

not only that but now i’m being accused of having an eating disorder. my mother just came in here and attacked me until i was crying. yelling about how i never eat how i don’t eat enough how all my actual problems must be because i’m not eating. first off i do eat. i eat at least three times a day and i try to eat more. it’s hard when everything i eat makes me feel sick. but to her that’s just another excuse. god forbid there actually be something wrong with me. she went on about how my ‘bad body image’ must be from my online friends. wow really? because in fact i get nothing but support from ALL of my friends online and off.  the fact that  you’re always on with how i don’t eat enough or i’m to thin or i’m eating to much couldn’t POSSIBLY give me a bad body image. worst part is that right as i was becoming ok with how i look i spiraled into a bad depression episode. i didn’t eat because i couldn’t find any motivation to eat. hell i almost over dosed twice and then only didn’t start cutting again because i couldn’t find my razors. luckily i have friends like my ones online that helped me out of that. because she sure didn’t help. so now i have to eat three meals a day and snakes in between each meal in front of her every day. that’s fine i’ll do that. i’m already eating that much anyway. she can think what she wants but i’m not making myself puke, i’m not taking laxatives, i’m not doing anything. i had enough trouble helping jess with that when she was having issues. i could never do that to myself. i don’t like looking anorexic. i don’t like that none of my cloths fit. i don’t like that i weigh 107.5. i was happy when i weighed 125. i felt good about myself then. i have no reason to develop an eating disorder. i do not have an eating disorder. i couldn’t do that to my brothers. i could care less what she thinks. i only haven’t killed myself yet because of them. because of the terrible things that would do to them. i could never. so let her think what she wants. i’ll humor her. she’ll see that i really do have a medical problem and i’m not able to keep the weight on. then she’ll feel like shit for attacking me today.

do any of you know how it feel to have your own mother do this to you when you don’t really have a problem? i’m sure some of you do. and i’m sure some of you have friends that live close to help. i don’t. i have to deal with my depression, my mood swings, the all over constant pain i’m in, and not not being able to hold on to any weight by myself.

it’s sad when the only person if the house that cares enough is my youngest brother. he just comes in and gives me a nice long hug. that’s what i need right now. i need someone to give me a hug and let me cry. but i don’t have anyone.

that’s all i guess. i can’t see because i’m crying so. i’m going to go finish my oat meal because i feel a little better as far as the puking goes. sorry for this.


~ by lizzardspit on February 27, 2011.

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