i hate caring for someone.

it turns me into someone i’m not. i suddenly turn into this jealous, hateful, clingy, person. i’m not really like that. i’ve never been jealous. i’ve always liked talking to the person i like or at least hearing from them. but now i just feel like this terrible person who’s pushing the one i like away. it’s her life why should i care. hell i barely care about my own life why should i care about someone else. why should i care who she wants to fuck. why does it bother me so much that she’d rather put it off. i think it’s because i’ve been told i’m not enough so many times. i’ve been told by so many people over and over that i’m not enough that i do everything wrong that i’m broken and i’m stupid and useless and heartless and pretty much everything under the sun. if you can think of it and it’s hurtful i’ve probably been told it. i just don’t function well with other people. probably is i sorta really like this one. a lot. which is rare for me. i’ve told her so much. it hasn’t even been the half of it but just some of the things i’ve told her baffle even me. the way i act towards her. hell even my mother sees it. she’ll say something about her and i feel myself blush. she just giggles and goes along with whatever she was talking about. i think i’s because of what happened before. because i was stupid enough to take him instead. don’t get me wrong it was a happy two weeks. but it was also one of the worst decisions i’ve made. after that she told me that i had to meet her mother before we could date. maybe she meant to say that to the other girl. the one she told me i had as much of a chance as she did yet she ‘loved her’. she lied. i didn’t have a chance in hell. mind you this girl treated her like shit but she still loved her. but then i’ve been there and done that. except i let it go for much longer. that’s why i don’t take shit any more. i’ve learned and i’ve felt it and i don’t want it again. but here i am crying over this girl. again. and why? because i just know she doesn’t want me. no matter how much she tells me i’ll never believe it. not until i have it. until i can feel it. but at this rate it’s looking like she’ll just leave again. there will be something else i just know it. i sjut can’t let myself believe that someone wants me. i can’t just let myself be happy with that. i can’t be content with the little i’ve got. because i want her. yes she’s beautiful and i’d like to have her physically. but i really want her. just her. just who she is. and how she thinks. how she smiles and laughs. i want her because she makes me believe in myself. she makes me feel like i might even be a little pretty. hell i woke up this morning and felt good about how i felt naked. you have no idea how long it has been since i’ve thought that. it’s been so long since i’ve cared for someone. since there has been someone who i think might actually care for me. but i can’t let myself believe that. because in my mind it’s just impossible. no one that gorgeous and amazing would like me. no one wants stupid, dull, bitchy, me. i just get used and thrown away when they’re done. i just get feed line after bill shit line. and because my self esteem is so low i fall for every little bit of it. it someone can make me feel good for a while i take it in a heartbeat. that’s why these things happen to me. so to me someone fighting to make me believe that they really like me is insanity. my life just doesn’t work that way. i just don’t get the good ones. and when i do get someone good for me i do this. i turn into this bitch and i tear them apart until they give up. but i don’t want to do that with her! i want her! i want to have someone that makes me believe that i’m worth something not just make me feel good for a while. it’s really hard for me. and i don’t think she understands that.
i need to stop typing before i cry on my keyboard.

good night.

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~ by lizzardspit on February 5, 2011.

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